Ain't No Sunshine Read online

  I fell asleep to memories of our time together. For some reason, I didn't feel the shame that I should have.

  What felt like seconds later, I heard an unexpected sound -- the doorbell. We never had visitors. I couldn't remember the last time I heard someone use our doorbell. It rang several more times before I finally dragged myself out of bed in order to answer it.

  When I swung open the door, I thought I was staring at a ghost. "Matthew?"

  Chapter 25

  "What's up, little brother?" he said, reaching out to hug me.

  I was so shocked I couldn't respond. I hugged him back firmly, afraid that if I let go he might disappear. I didn't know how it was that fate brought Ruthie and Matthew back into my life on the same day, but I didn't question it. I just held on to my older brother.

  "I've been outside for a few hours, but I didn't want to come in until Theodore left," he said, pulling away.

  I just stared at him with my mouth open.

  "Stephen, what's wrong?"

  "I...I...I thought you were dead."

  "Dead? Is that what he told you?"

  I thought back to that day thirteen years ago when he disappeared. I had concentrate in order to remember what my father actually said.

  "No, he said you joined the Navy." I took a step back and looked at him. He didn't look like he was in the Navy. He was scruffy and unshaven. His long, stringy hair would definitely not have been permitted in the military. He was wearing a long tie-dyed shirt - the kind that hippies wore in the 60's - and tattered jeans.

  "The Navy, huh? Well, that's creative."

  "Where have you been?"

  "I was -"

  "Who's there?" My mother asked as she walked into the living room, rubbing her eyes. She had been in one of her comatose sleeps, even though it was only 5:00 in the evening. She took advantage of the fact that my father was out of the house. Anytime he was there, he would work her like a slave. She needed the rest. When she saw Matthew, she stopped dead in her tracks.

  "Oh, Matthew!" she cried as she ran into his arms. He picked her up and swung her around. I hadn't seen her this happy in years. In fact, I hadn't seen her this happy since Matthew left thirteen years ago.

  "I missed you so much," they said simultaneously. They started talking fast, firing questions back and forth. What are you doing here? How are you? Are you all right? Is he treating you any better? Why did you cut your hair? Do you still have that bracelet I gave you?

  "Where's your luggage?" I interrupted. They both looked at me.

  "I'm staying at a motel. Didn't want to be a burden." What he meant to say was that he didn't want to stay under the same roof as our father. I can't say I blame him for that.

  "Stephen, go get Matthew a drink." I knew she was just trying to get rid of me, so I pretended to comply.

  "What’s going on here?" he said when he thought they were alone. "You two look horrible. What has he done to you? Why is Stephen so thin and pale?"

  "He's been through a lot, recently. He and Ruthie fell in love and ..." My mother started sobbing.

  "Good God, no one told them Theodore was Ruthie's father?" he said as he held her and kissed the top of her head, trying to console her. Matthew knew, too? How is it that everyone knew but me? Or maybe I just didn't want to know. I had ignored all the signs.

  As I watched Matthew hold my mother, our mother, something inside me shivered. They way he looked at her, the way he touched her, the way they looked standing next to each other…I don't know. There was just some unsaid connection between them that I had never noticed before. "You have to get out of here," Matthew said. "Come with me to Phoenix. Both of you. I have a place out there."

  "You know I can't do that."

  "I'll protect you. I swear I'll kill him if he touches you again. I've thought of you and Stephen every day for thirteen years. I couldn't stay away any longer. I don't care what he does to me; we just have to get you out of here."

  Thirteen years. Matthew disappeared thirteen years ago, when he was twenty-two. That would make him thirty-five years old right now. I didn't know how old my mother was when she had him, but she would at least have to be fifty years old right now, right? I took another look at my mother and brother. Somehow, both of them looked forty. How was that possible? Maybe my mother just looked young for her age and Matthew looked old for his. But I would think with all the abuse my mother endured, she would be the one to look older than her true age. I was completely confused.

  "There's something I have to tell you," my mother said as she wiped tears away from her sad, yet still youthful, face.

  "What?"

  "Not here. Where are you staying? You better go before he gets home. I don't want any problems." Matthew scribbled something down on a sheet of paper, gave my mother a long hug, and scrambled out the door.

  Chapter 26

  The next day was Adelaide's wedding. She was marrying Julius's brother, Timothy, so I had been invited. But I had never considered actually going until I found out Ruthie was in the wedding. I knew she would look beautiful. I had to see her again.

  As I was straightening my tie, my mother poked her head in my room. "I need you to take me somewhere," she said.

  I stared at her in a moment of confusion. My mother wanted to leave the house? The only time she ever left the house was for church or social events mandated by my father. Where was she going on a Saturday afternoon, and without my father?

  "I have to talk to Matthew," she said, as if perceiving my confusion. "I need you to take me to his motel."

  Mentioning Matthew brought back another question of mine.

  "Mother, how old are you?"

  She turned away and rubbed her neck. "You're never supposed to ask a lady her age," she said, trying to make a joke.

  "Mother, I need the truth. There are too many secrets in this family."

  She sighed. "Okay, if you must know -- I'm thirty-eight."

  "What?" I said, a little more forcefully than I meant to.

  My mother covered her head and cowered as if she believed I would hit her.

  "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell," I said softly as I put my hand on her back. Her reaction brought tears to my eyes. How could she ever think I would strike her? I rubbed her back for a moment, then slowly folded her into a hug. She cried into my chest.

  I took a deep breath before saying, "Okay, so you're not Matthew's mother. It's not possible. He's thirty-five and you're thirty-eight." I don't know how I didn't pick up their ages before. How did I not notice that they were practically the same age? But then again, I was only five when he left. At that age, all I knew was that she was my mother and Matthew was my brother. I just assumed she was his mother too.

  "So Theodore is Matthew's father, my father, and Ruthie's father. But we all have different mothers." I said by way of summary. I was still trying to wrap my head around everything. The realization of our parentage made me hate my father even more. He'd had three children by three different women, yet he led a congregation as if he had some sort of moral authority. What’s more, he took no responsibility for his actions. He blamed Ruthie's mother for forcing him to stray. I wondered what the story with Matthew’s mother was.

  "What happened to Matthew's mother? Was Theodore married before you?" I asked.

  My mother shook her head. "I'll tell you everything. I promise. I just need to speak to Matthew first."

  After dropping off my mother, I found myself sitting in Livingston's only predominantly black church. Standing next to his brother at the altar, Julius gave me a shocked look. He was surprised to see me, considering I had barely left my house in months. After the shock wore off, he smiled and gave me a wave.

  When the music started, Ruthie was the first to walk down the aisle. The sight of her paralyzed me. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I bet Ruthie had convinced Adelaide to make the bridesmaid's dresses yellow. Ruthie always looked amazing in yellow -- today was no exception. Even when the music changed and everyone stood up to g
et a better look at the bride coming down the aisle, I continued to stare at Ruthie.

  I made sure I chose a seat that would put me in Ruthie's direct line of sight as she stood at the altar. But she still did everything she could to avoid eye contact with me. She shifted her body to awkward angles as her eyes darted every which way except toward me.

  Another bridesmaid leaned forward and whispered in Ruthie's ear, probably telling her to stop moving. Finally, Ruthie's gaze settled upon me. Once our eyes locked, they stayed that way for the rest of the ceremony. When the preacher said the words "man and wife," a tear spilled down Ruthie's cheek.

  After the ceremony, I tried to get Ruthie alone so we could talk. I wanted to tell her about Matthew. She would be so excited to see him. But Ruthie had no intention of dredging up the past with me.

  "Can we talk?" I asked, grabbing her arm outside the church.

  "Let's not do this, Stephen. Let's not put ourselves through any more pain."

  "But Ruthie, it's important."

  She shook her head and pulled her arm free. "Let it go. Let us go." She ran down the four steps in front of the church and hopped into a station wagon with the other bridesmaids. A dust cloud bloomed behind it as it sped off down the dirt road. I knew it was headed to the old firehouse where the reception was being held. I never imagined myself attending an all-black wedding reception, but I had to go. I had to talk to Ruthie.

  ***

  "I can't believe you actually came," Julius said, tackling me with a bear hug. "You're not the most social person."

  "Yeah, well, I guess it's about time I start working on that."

  Julius gave me a skeptical look, then followed my gaze across the room to where Ruthie was dancing with Adelaide's brother. "Yeah right. I know what you have on your mind. You're not gonna start another fight, are you?" he asked only half-joking.

  I shook my head. "I'm past that. There's no hope for Ruthie and me. I know that now. I just want to talk to her."

  Julius nodded while sipping his drink. The music changed to Boogie Shoes by K.C. and the Sunshine Band. Ruthie left her partner and headed toward the wedding party's table.

  "Hey, how about I help you out. I'll go dance with her and in two minutes, you come and cut in."

  Julius took a step away. I grabbed his arm and pulled him back. "You want me to dance? I can't dance."

  He laughed. "That ain't my problem. It's your only hope. She's not going to cause a scene and refuse to dance with you. She wouldn't want to ruin Adelaide's party like that. So I suggest you put on your boogie shoes and cut in." Julius smiled at his little joke, then went to ask Ruthie for a dance.

  My stomach stirred as I saw Julius lead Ruthie to the dance floor. I didn't know what made me more nervous, the fact that in a few moments I would be inches away from Ruthie or the fact that in a few moments everyone would be staring at the uncoordinated white boy. I did a quick scan of the party. Yep, I was the only white person. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It didn't matter, I was only doing this so I could have some alone time with Ruthie.

  I strolled to the middle of the dance floor, trying to exude confidence. I barely tapped Julius on the shoulder once before he ducked out of the way, leaving Ruthie standing in front of me.

  "Hi, Ruthie."

  She sighed. "Stephen, I -"

  "Let's dance," I said, cutting off whatever excuse she was about to formulate. I started hopping back and forth to the music, trying to imitate what Julius had been doing a moment before. From the smile that erupted across Ruthie's face I could tell I hadn't even come close.

  Mercifully, the song ended after only a few more seconds. But then These Arms of Mine started playing, the song we first made love to.

  Ruthie's eyes widened. She turned to leave, but I grabbed her arm and pulled her close to me. Her body was tense as I placed my hands on her waist. I buried my face in her hair and breathed in her scent. She smelled of vanilla, just like she had during our first kiss when we were only thirteen.

  Slowly, she melted in my arms and returned my embrace. I wondered what she was thinking, but I wasn't brave enough to ask. I didn't want to ruin the moment. For just one song I wanted to pretend that everything was right in the world and that our love was acceptable. Even though it had been two years since I'd held her like this, I knew she still loved me. Two years wasn't enough time to break our connection.

  "I thought I was over you," she said suddenly. "Every day for two years I woke up in the morning and told myself that what I felt for you was wrong. I tried to stamp out my feelings. I thought I had won. That's why I agreed to come back this weekend. I thought I was completely over you. But one look at you and everything came flooding back."

  She still loved me! I couldn't respond. I thought I might start crying if I did. So instead, I just pulled her closer.

  It wasn't until people started bumping into us while dancing to an Earth, Wind, and Fire song that either of us realized the Otis Redding song was over. Ruthie pulled away from me.

  "I can never come back again. This is our last goodbye," she said before running off the dance floor.

  I was paralyzed. I couldn't move. Then suddenly I remembered the real reason I wanted to talk to her. Matthew. I hadn't even brought up Matthew.

  I ran after her and caught up with her in the parking lot.

  "Ruthie, wait!"

  "No, Stephen. I can't. This was a mistake. I shouldn't have come back."

  I ran in front of her and blocked her path. "Matthew's alive!" I blurted before something else got in the way.

  Ruthie crossed her arms and shook her head. "I can't believe you’re resorting to using Matthew's name. That's pathetic, Stephen."

  She tried to step around me, but I held her in place by grabbing her shoulders.

  "I'm not resorting to anything. He's alive. I saw him with my own eyes."

  "You'd say anything to get me to stay."

  I sighed. "You're probably right. But you have to trust me, Ruthie. You know me. You know I wouldn't lie about something like this."

  Ruthie studied my eyes, searching for the truth.

  "You have to believe me. Don't you want to see him?"

  She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I believe that you really believe this fantasy, which means you're worse off than I thought. You need help, Stephen."

  "Fine, if it's a fantasy then come and prove it to me. Come show me how much help I need."

  She sighed heavily. "Okay, let's go."

  Chapter 27

  I knocked on Matthew's motel room door for a full five minutes. No one answered. My mother should have been there. I'd dropped her off at this very door right before the wedding. Ruthie stood next to me with her arms crossed and a smug look on her face. Her attitude might have really bothered me if I wasn't so worried about the whereabouts of my mother and Matthew. What if my father found out Matthew was in town?

  I ran to the front office to see if I could find out any information.

  "Excuse me, ma'am," I said to the woman behind the counter. "I'm looking for the guest in room six, Matthew Phillips; do you know when he left?"

  The clerk picked up her clipboard and blew a bubble with her gum. "Ain't no Matthew Phillips in room six," she said.

  Ruthie sighed and touched my arm. "Stephen, just give it up, okay?"

  "There's a Matthew Clare in room six. He done left ‘bout a hour ago wit some blonde woman."

  "Matthew Clare?" I asked. I turned to Ruthie. "It's him. He must be using a fake name. And the blonde woman is my mother. I told you she was here with him."

  Ruthie opened her mouth to dispute me, but before she could say anything I grabbed her hand and pulled her toward my truck.

  "Something strange is going on," I told Ruthie as we drove to my house. I wasn't sure if Matthew and my mother had actually gone there, but I didn't know where else to start looking. "Do you know how old my mother is?"

  Ruthie shrugged. "Forty-five? Fifty?"

  "No, she's only
thirty-eight."

  Ruthie stared at me skeptically. "She can't be Matthew's mother."

  "Exactly," I said. "She's not."

  "How did we not notice that?"

  I shrugged. "We were just kids."

  "So, your...our...Theodore has three children from three different women?"

  "Looks that way."

  "What happened to Matthew's mother?"

  "I don't know. But it has to have something to do with why my mother has stayed all these years. Maybe my father killed Matthew's mother and my mother was afraid he'd do the same to her."

  Ruthie shivered at the thought and hugged herself.

  "I'll wait in the car," Ruthie said when I pulled up to my house. "If Matthew is really in there, which I doubt, tell him to come out here."

  I knew something was wrong before I even got out of the car. Matthew's Volkswagen van and my father's white Cadillac were both in the driveway, but the house was eerily quiet. There was no way the two of them could be in the same room without an immediate fight.

  When I opened the door, I found the living room completely ransacked. There were handprints of blood on the walls. It smelled like…I don't know. Like nothing I'd ever smelled before. At first, I thought we had been robbed, but then I saw my mother sitting calmly on the couch. She was smiling. She never smiled. She had finally lost it, I thought.

  "Mother, are you okay?"

  "Twenty years. I'm free. I'm finally free." She laughed hysterically.

  "Mother, where is Father?" I started to panic. I wasn't afraid that something had happened to him. I was just afraid that my mother had done it and that she would get in trouble.

  "You don't have to call him Father anymore. He is not your father." She was acting so strangely I didn't know what to think. I knew I couldn't believe her. It would've been a dream come true, though. But she was obviously out of her mind.

  "And Matthew is not your brother." Now I knew she was crazy.

  "Mother, what are you talking about? I think I need to take you to a doctor."